September 30, 2005

  • JUST LETTING MYSELF BE, JUST LETTING MYSELF GO.


    This morning I woke up feeling weak, feeling tired, feeling under-desired.
    I felt the weight of the guilt that I was placing on someone else's shoulders
    Instead of taking it on and push the weight, taking on the struggle.
    I peeled off the frustration of the struggle that I was going through and placed them
    On people that hardly even know me or even want to feel the feeling.


    I woke up this morning feeling like I had done the wrong thing.
    Like I had said the wrong words to the wrong person and of course at the wrong time.
    Instead of keeping my feelings to myself until the problem got resolved I spilled the milk at the dinner table.
    And forgot to clean up my mess and blamed on the person nearest to me, instead of acting responsible.
    I yelled my frustation and pain of this struggle that I was going through and forced them
    On people that hardly even know me or even want to feel the feeling.


    I woke up this morning feeling like I was not being myself.
    I was not letting myself be who I was supposed to be.
    I was changing for the fact that someone said that they would like me more for being this, for being that.
    Now that's just not the right fact. I had to step down and on the way down, I stepped on the wrong people.
    Instead of stepping on the people that hurt me, I stepped on the people that loved me and were willing to be there for me.
    And I lost the opportunity to be just be me, to just be free.
    I cried my river of frustration and pain of this struggle that I was going through and forced them
    On people that hardly even know me or even want to know the feeling.

    I woke this morning with the feeling of dishonesty that was stuck in the back of my throat.
    It was an uncomfortable feeling that I was trying to let go. I tried to breathe.
    I kept on pushing the effort but every thing that I had lived for was flashing in front of me.
    Now I was the one that was losing everything. My individuality, my freedom, my right to be just me.. the person that I wanted to be.
    Instead of stepping up to the people that were trying to change me, instead they are choking me with their stereotypes and conformity.
    And I lost the opportunity to be just me, to be free.
    I fell into the grave of being a no one, almost a someone that no one ever knew or heard of.
    Buried deep in the rubbish of what people that I thought I should do, who I should be..
    When I could have lived free to just be myself, lived free to just be free.