CRUSH
Written by P.A. Jervis, Jr.

Crush.
That lies deep within my soul, that nobody knows of.
That no one has heard of

Crushing
Blushing at every mention of your name
And the sweet thoughts when I imagine that you are my man

Crushed.
Are the emotions that I hold for you because I don't want to get to
Close and end up hurt like all the other fellas have treated my poor heart in the past
Distance, it's felt and it's too real.

I take a moment to realize that this may be love but I can't come out and say it
Because I am afraid of taking things too fast and I just really want them to last
And I don't want to rush it down this perfect path and then at last it would all be

Gone.
Erased from your memory and I would just be another one of those that tried too hard
And moved too fast and was trying to get into your life, your body and your soul
But forgot to get in on the VIP list and enlisted to stand in the back of the line while you decide on a new love.

"Don't Forget About Us" Video Premiered on MTV // 9:09 AM EST Updated by Liron

WNBA star becomes only openly gay player active in pro team sports

SEATTLE POST-INTELLIGENCER STAFF AND NEWS SERVICES

Three-time Olympic gold medalist. Three-time Most Valuable Player in the WNBA. And, as of Wednesday, the only openly gay athlete to currently play a major professional team sport.

Many people said Sheryl Swoopes' announcement that she is gay was a non-story -- either because her sexuality shouldn't matter or because she is far from a household name. But the Houston Comets star, perhaps the best woman to ever work the hardwoods, is in a public club of one. And that has made her revelation a landmark.

In an extensive interview with ESPN the Magazine, Swoopes, 34, said her decision was prompted by the fatigue of living a lie. "I'm just at a point in my life where I'm tired of having to pretend to be somebody I'm not," she told LZ Granderson. "I'm tired of having to hide my feelings about the person I care about."

For the past seven years, Swoopes, who was divorced in 1999 from her high school sweetheart, has been with partner Alisa Scott, a former assistant coach for the Comets.

"I'm at a place in my life right now where I'm very happy, very content. I'm finally OK with the idea of who I love, who I want to be with," Swoopes told the AP.

Now, she said, she finally feels free.

At the same time of her revelation, Swoopes joins Martina Navratilova and golfer Rosie Jones as public spokespeople for Olivia Cruises, a lesbian cruise line. She and Scott had booked a cruise with the travel company when its CEO asked for her endorsement.

It's clear from Swoopes' remarks to ESPN that despite being happy about her disclosure, she also has concerns.

She worries about her mother Louise, who has known for five years, but "doesn't think it's right."

And she is nervous about the response from her hometown of Brownfield, Texas, about 600 miles northwest of Houston, where cotton is king and Swoopes reigns as queen.

Not to mention what people will think right down the road in Lubbock, where she brought Texas Tech its only national championship in basketball by scoring 47 points in the final game in 1993.

"I worry about the reaction throughout the country, but I really worry about Brownfield and Lubbock," she said. "Because they're both small towns and Sheryl Swoopes is a local hero. Now what? I hope it doesn't change. It's important to me."

Swoopes also told ESPN that there aren't famous African Americans coming out of the closet. "I know it's not accepted in the black community," she said. "I know I'll probably take a lot of flak."

Comets coach Van Chancellor expressed support for Swoopes in a statement. "What she does in her personal life is her own decision," he said. "I respect everything about Sheryl, how she's handled herself on and off the court. To me, she will always be one of the greatest ambassadors for the game of women's basketball."

Shortly before she retired in 2002, New York Liberty player Sue Wicks became the first active WNBA player to acknowledge that she was gay, but she didn't discuss it further.

"I'm happy for Sheryl," Wicks said. "I think all people deserve to be able to live their lives openly and honestly, and I applaud Sheryl for her courage."

Former Minnesota Lynx player Michele Van Gorp, who no longer plays in the WNBA, also came out while an active player in July 2004.

No man has ever come out while still active in the major leagues of football, baseball, basketball or hockey. If an NBA player ever did, commissioner David Stern said, there'd only be one question:

"How many points? How many rebounds? I think that it's a non-issue," he said.

Anne Donovan, coach of the Seattle Storm, which was defeated by the Comets in this year's playoffs, agreed. "It's a non-issue for me. ... This is more for the entertainment section. This topic doesn't belong in the sports pages," she said.

"Sexuality is such a personal thing. We don't spend time talking about it in men's sports. ... I have a difficult time understanding it. This issue has been thrown at female athletics as a way to label us and it's used as a negative in a lot of cases. I'd really like to think we were past that."

But, plenty of people, including sports fans in chat rooms and on talk radio, begged to differ.

On the mailboards of espn.com, where the word gay is represented as three asterisks, but the words "faggot" and "dyke" are uncensored, reaction tended mostly to support Swoopes' disclosure, but ranged the gamut.

Some appreciated Swoopes' courage in coming out, while others said Swoopes should just put the ball in the basket and not discuss her personal life. Others were disgusted by her revelation and argued that she should no longer be considered a role model. A few straight female athletes expressed their frustration that Swoopes' announcement might increase the broad brush strokes that some use to paint many college and female professional athletes as lesbians.

Others saw Swoopes' coming out as potentially harmful to the league and its family-friendly image and marketing.

Jim Buzinski, co-founder of outsports.com, a Web site for gay sports fans, doubted that Swoopes' disclosure would hurt her career, and that it was timed well in the WNBA's offseason.

"I think she's so respected and already has a reputation as a great player," he said. "There's a large lesbian fan base in the WNBA. ... I think if you're a homophobic man, you're probably not going to be a big fan of the WNBA to begin with."

But, a similar announcement from a major pro sports player who is male would be a much bigger deal, he said.

"There seems to be, unfortunately, this stereotype that no gay man can possibly be a pro athlete and all female pro athletes have to be lesbians. It's stupid," he said. "There are gay players in every major sport. I know that for a fact. So, these people are already showering with their teammates. And they're not molesting or jumping at their colleagues."

Buzinski and others said that Swoopes' openly gay status might have more of an effect on the college sports world, by showing other gay athletes that they could reach the pinnacle of their sport. It might also deter so-called "negative recruiting," in which a handful of college coaches steer a player from a "lesbian program." Coach Rene Portland of Penn State University was accused by a gay rights group of "decades-long policy of harassing players whom (she) believed to be lesbians."

"If a coach could get five Sheryl Swoopes on their team, they'd do it in a second," Buzinski said.

Just how Swoopes' announcement will impact young girls in the sport is difficult to gauge. Ballard girls' coach Karen Blair, who played basketball at Seattle University and coached Meadowdale to state championships in 2000 and 2004, believes any effect will be minimal.

"Her being gay or straight, that's not going to diminish what she's done for the game. She's a great player and has paved the way for a lot of athletes." Bryant said. "Her personal life is her personal life, and she needs to do what makes her happy."

But Bryant acknowledged that many of her players follow women's college and professional basketball closely and will likely find the news of Swoopes' sexual orientation noteworthy.

Issaquah coach Kathy Gibson said the effect would likely have been far greater seven or eight years ago during the WNBA's infancy. The subsequent mainstreaming of women's basketball has diminished the league's reputation as an overwhelmingly lesbian sport.

The change, according to Gibson, has much to do with the increasing involvement of straight women as players and coaches at every level.

"There used to be a stereotype that if you played basketball at the professional or college level, then you were gay," Gibson said. "I don't think kids today are not playing the game because they're afraid of that."

For the next two weeks, Swoopes will be on a publicity blitz, talking with Good Morning America, the New York Times, Fox Sports Net, gay.com and others.

She said would like to one day marry Scott. "At some point I would love for that to happen," she said. "Right now I think we're very happy with the relationship we have. This is the person I plan on being with for the rest of my life."

Swoopes was married and has an 8-year-old son, Jordan. Her 1999 divorce had nothing to do with her being gay, she said.

When contemplating whether to come out, Swoopes said thoughts of Jordan were foremost in her mind.

"He goes to bed every night and he's peaceful and when I see that I never question that what I'm doing is right," she said.

PROMINENT GAY SPORTS FIGURES

When Houston Comets star Sheryl Swoopes made the disclosure that she is gay -- it appears in the latest issue of ESPN The Magazine -- she joined a growing list of athletes who have either made similar admissions, or who have been "outed" in lawsuits or in the media. A sampling of some of the more prominent athletes and sports personalities

SOUND OFF

Will Sheryl Swoopes' action encourage more gay athletes to come out of the closet? To reply, send an e-mail to soundoff@seattlepi.com. Please include your full name and the town where you live. Selected responses will be published.

SO HOW DOES IT FEEL!?

That's all I hear now that I've turned the big twenty one. This is supposed to be the turning point for me. Now I have an excuse or a reason to go out drinking every night. I don't think that's a good thing. I don't really think it's a good idea, especially since I don't really know my family history on one side. It just might linger somewhere that I have alcoholic or something in the family and I just don't need that. I got my own problems like money and shit to worry about. Who cares? Right!  That's not what you came here to read. You came to read about my twenty first celebration.

My birthday is actually on the 20th of October. I just decided and had to have my big bash on the 21st because it sounded cool. The BIG 21 on the 21. You know what I mean? Of course you do. So on Thursday, my actual birthday. I slept most of the day and did some little chores around the house. I also actually got a chance to watch some television, I haven't seen Oprah in awhile it was good times to catch up with her, do some talking and hosting a show. Nothing too major. Then later that night, D-King (aka Darren) picked me up to take to a birthday dinner at Red Lobster. Attending this dinner was Alexis, Darren, Jacqueline #3 (with the Army boyfriend), and me. (DUH!). Anyway. The first drink that I had was a Long Island Ice Tea. It was superb because the bar tender put in extra alcohol. It was great. I could feel it within minutes. Too bad I finished it within minutes. Then I had some wine and two other superb drinks that don't run across the mind at the moment. Why? Because I have forgotten bits and pieces of the night. I am sorry. It was a good night though. I am not done telling it though. Geesh relax. We took a picture. A group picture with the waiter that kept peeping down Jac's shirt. We had to saddle up the sisters and get them out of there. Absolutely.  We let him take the picture nonetheless.. he was cute though. Hehe. We should have gotten a picture of him. Awesome people. Darren and crew left a nice tip. Oh yeah presents! Alexis and Darren got me 'Mean Girls', a camera and a card. A nice card in fact. Anyway.

After having a fun time at the restaraunt. We went and sent Alexis and Jac on their merry little way by giving them a little something to make them happy. In the process, I saw that Smirnoff has Screwdrivers already premade. It was awesome. Yes indeed, please believe. Then off off off, we went to the club. This club was called 'The Biz'. It's where we go every Sunday but on this particular day, I was 21 so I could get in for free and not have to worry about my age acting like a fat lady with too much to fit through the door. Amen? Haha. Just kidding. It was a different kind of scene, everything was chilled and laid back. It sort of felt like the eyes were on me. Or that how I wanted it to be? I forgot to mention that we met the Baker and her new man and crew at 'The Biz' She was so drunk out of her tits. Oh wait.. I've seen those. That wasn't it. Let's just say she was drunk. Absolutely. Her boyfriend was the only one that was sober. It was quite weird. Hehe. Anyway I had my first shot, legal one.. in a public place. Hehe. I had several drinks and ending up sharing them with the bathroom sink because I am not used to drinking fast and then going out on the floor and dancing. Definitely not used it at all. Then.. then I had some more fun and talked to these guys that bought me a couple of drinks. It was so awesome. You would not believe how awesome it was. Then I met this guy.. I can't remember his name. He was superb and he was just slightly rocky gorgeous. He lives in Vegas but was visiting town for the night. I couldn't believe it. He was buying me drinks and stuff. Then we went off to this guy's like chill pad. It was awesome. We chilled. Darren fell asleep. Snoring so loud. Bass and treble? Then I just went home and got up five hours for work.

Then the next day I was five hours late for work. That was disgusting but everyone understood. Then after that .. after work was the jump off baby. I had to pick up that handsome man for my birthday poster from FedexKinko's. (Thanks Sal for the discount..) Then I had to get the place set up for the party because I didn't do that much cleaning. Even though the place was going to get messed up. I didn't want people to think that my place was a slop pad.. you know what I mean? It's all good though. It turned out to be okay. At first, I didn't think that people were going to show up and I was distressed and then I realized I didn't have any liquor so I sent Corby to get some. And then after that. I saw Christies, whom I have not seen in like forever. It was like good to see her. Sort of slightly catch up on things after trying to get in touch with her forever and a day. Then after she left, it was boring for a bit and then even one else started to invite people over. Some people that I had seen at the club were at my party. Some of the cool people that I had seen on facebook and though were like way too cool to come to my party had come to celebrate with me. The people that were at last two parties came to my parties. I was disappointed after the drama of the evening and stuff that my dear friend Pipper didn't show up. I was really expecting her. I know that she's not feeling well these days. Who knows? We don't even talk that much but I hope that she's in good health. I was glad to see good friends like Rico and her crew. I was also really happy when David showed up. Yeah I have a small crush (or a fucken HUGE ass! crush on David Michael) I can't help it. I think I just ruined it for myself when he was at my party. I wish that I could have talked to him. *tear* Anyway. Overall it was a good time. Gooooood time. I am glad that all that stopped by stopped by and all that called on the midnight of my birthday called. All those uncles that have not called me in years, called me on my 21st birthday. For those that went to dinner the day after my party and then went to party with me the night after. You still get hugs even though you don't feel the urge to be with me and I feel the urge to be with you in some awkward way. It's just a weird way to be feeling right now. For those that live in AR and seem to make me a lot happier than the people that I have right here sometime. You know who you are. 'I am naked!' Hehe.

I am 21 now. Still the same old loser, it's just legal to cry and drink at the same time now. Here's to wishing the best of luck on the year of my 21.

VENT: CLUB PEOPLE

YOU'RE DANCING TO YOUR FAVORITE JAM and then you get an elbow in your back. I hate that shit. It happens to me everytime I go to the club. I can't stand it. I don't know if this bothers anyone else. I just feel like grabbing everyone that does it to me by the hair and banging their head against the ground. It's the most uncomfortable feeling, getting an elbow in the back because someone can't be nice enough to tap you on the shoulder or yell excuse me. What's the deal? I wonder if any of you experience this. 

ONLY 2 DAYS UNTIL MY 21ST BIRTHDAY!
Yes, my birthday is on October 20th. Yes, I am having my party on the 21st.

A REALIZATION

The rain is pouring outside.
Time and space seems to go so smooth.
Going smoother than the emotion that I am feeling

I found out that I don't need all of people that I thought I needed to survive this lonely
I need to find a place, find a truth, a foundation, I need to find me.
I've come to realize I love myself and someone else
More than anyone and anything else.

For right now, the tears pour
Trickling down in random patterns on the windows
Dominating while I realize my fears.
As I realize the love for myself.

The sun is shining brightly outside
Time and space seems to move so vibrantly
Reflecting the same emotion that I am feeling

Radio Doesn't Forget About Mariah! // 4:00 PM EST Updated by Lynn

Hosted By: Patrick Jervis Jr
When: Friday Oct 21, 2005
at 9:00 PM
Where: Crib Del Mono
1215 E Vista Del Cerro
Tempe, AZ 85281
US
Description:
Patrick Jervis Jr

Click Here To View Event

 Fantasia Barrino Reveals She's Illiterate
Oct 1, 2:56 PM EST

"American Idol" winner Fantasia Barrino reveals in her memoirs that she is functionally illiterate and had to fake her way through some scripted portions the televised talent show, which she won in 2004.

"You're illiterate to just about everything. You don't want to misspell," Fantasia told ABC's "20/20." "So that, for me, kept me in a box and I didn't, wouldn't come out."

The 21-year-old R&B singer says she's signed record deals and contracts that she didn't read and couldn't understand. But the hardest part, she said, is not being able to read to Zion, her 4-year-old daughter.

"That hurts really bad," she said, adding that she is now learning to read with tutors.

In her memoir, "Life is Not a Fairy Tale," which she dictated to a freelance writer, Fantasia also said she was raped in the ninth grade by a classmate. She says the boy was disciplined, but she blamed herself for the attack.

She dropped out of high school that year and became an unwed mother at 17.

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On the Net:

20/20: http://abcnews.go.com/2020/