July 17, 2005

  • PLEASE HELP ME OVER.. (COPIED FROM STUDENT VILLAGE)


    Alicia, please help me. Four years ago I met a guy and we started dating. He is the first guy I have ever loved and the only one I have ever said those words to. Everything was going well between us until a mutual acquaintance (I have known the acquaintance for longer) told him something that was untrue about me. He then dumped me without telling me, I had to figure it out for myself. Alicia I was very hurt by the lack of respect he showed, after all the "I love you's" he didn't even have the decency to call and tell me it's over. I spent about three months seeing his face whenever I looked at a guy. About two months later I used to get missed call from numbers I didn't know and therefore I never called the numbers and I later discovered it was him using his friends' phones because he was scared of calling me. During that year I tried getting over him to no avail, I even tried dating other guys hoping to forget him but obviously it never worked. Anyway to make a long story short we have since made up and broken up four times. He keeps dumping me but the last time I did the dumping (I wanted to beat him to the punch) and regretted it the following day. At first I thought I couldn't get over him because of the way he dumped me the first time (i.e. no closure), and then my friends said maybe it's because we never made love but I'm still in love with the dude. Some days I feel if he came back I will be strong enough to say no other days I want him so much. I have a new boyfriend and he is a dream but unfortunately I wish he was my ex. He knows how I feel and he told me he is willing to wait for me to get over my ex what he doesn't know is that it's been four years of pining. Alicia please advise me on how to get over my ex and give my all to this incredible guy. I have tried the staying single trick, the having someone else take his place trick-please help me I'm at my wits end. I don't want to go back to my ex even if he comes back because I feel if it hasn't worked four times it never will.

    Well, you are right: if it hasn’t worked yet the chances are good it never will. My personal philosophy is: Never go back. Whatever made it impossible for you to stay together in the first place will always be there. You can’t expect to change a person; they will always be the way they are. If you can’t live with them as they are, it’s unfair to you and to them to try and force them to be what you want them to be. As for how to get over it: you need closure. I don’t know when the last time was you broke up with your ex, but what you need to do now is accept that you are not going back, that things aren’t going to work and that you need to say good bye to him, not to his face but in your heart. Throw away the photos, the memorabilia, the letters… all of it. Have a little bonfire, throw it in the river – anything symbolic that will help you to see things as final. Then give yourself time. Time is the only thing that will really get you over someone. Get on with your life. Focus on the important things: your studies, your family, your friends. As for the new boyfriend: they say nothing gets you over the previous one like the next one, but this isn’t really fair to him. He obviously cares about you a lot, but you can’t stay with him for that reason. If you stay, it has to be because you believe you can be good for him, and he for you.


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